The Villa Cloud
by Larynx
Summary: Cloud has lots of crazy adventrues in his villa... you know what i'm talking about...Chapter 6 is up. Cloud and Weiner have to fight the evilist, dirtiest and smelliest enemy of all...Harry Potter fans!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1. Chapter 1, or alternatively, the first c...

Saturday 8:15 Costa Del Sol  
  
  
  
Cloud and Cait Sith where sat at a table, smoking a strong brand of Wutaiin weed. "This is the shit" said Cloud groggily, his breath green and his eyes blood shot. "Yeah bitch" said Cait Sith, staggering around on top of the stuffed Mog's head. "I'm seeing double." "Actually" said Mog, looking rather unimpressed. "I find that this narcotic does little to boost my demeanour, or alter my vision to any kind of disorientated plain." "You're drunk, Mog" spat Cait Sith angrily. Mog hung his head in shame.  
  
"So… guys… do… do… we…" began Cloud's insecure flat mate, Weiner. "Do… we… have… any… … … erm… you know… … … non… alcoholic… drinks?" Weiner was greeted with the kind of look that would kill an Elephant. "God damn it" declared Cait Sith. "Your tone of voice is makin' me sober!!!" "I find it rather relaxing, and somewhat refreshing in today's corrupt world of shallow minds and empty promises" said Mog, smiling. "You're drunk, Mog" spat Cait Sith angrily. Mog hung his head in shame.  
  
"Seriously, Weiner" said Cloud, shaking his head. "You need to mellow out." He looked around before saying "here, take some of this." He passed Weiner a case of five neatly rolled J's. "Toke on these, and your worries will float away" he smiled. "Oh… Jeez… I I I I I I I I I I really don't know Cloud… I heard those things… … … … …make you all crazy."  
  
"They don't make you crazy" sighed Cait Sith. "Eep, a Hobgoblin!!!" "These mere shrubs do not make you, as you so flippantly put it 'crazy'" sighed Mog. "Not unless you are willing to allow it. I personally like to believe that nothing can make me crazy, that I am in charge of my own mind of my own form, that I am alive. To be alive, Weiner, means we have the power, the power to avoid narcotics altering out state of mind. Once you can achieve this, once you can become one with the chemicals of that sporadic plant, yet remain in control of your actions, you will then be a man." "You're drunk, Mog" spat Cait Sith angrily. Mog hung his head in shame.  
  
"Okay… … … … if you promise… that… they don't make you… … … … crazy…" "I promise they don't make you crazy" smiled Cait Sith. "Shit, my eyes are on fire." "Oh… … … okay…" Weiner said humbly, and neatly placed the spliff between his lips. "Oh well, it happens to the best of us" frowned Mog forlornly. "You're drunk, Mog" spat Cait Sith angrily. Mog hung his head in shame.  
  
"What do you think?" asked Cloud, his voice gruff. "They're… okay… I… guess… … … … … … … …" "Okay…OKAY..?" Cloud stammered, and his head fell off in surprise. Except it didn't, it just looked like that, because every one was drunk on Absinth. "Hey, anyway" said Cloud, scratching his head. "I'm gonna throw a gathering tomorrow. You wanna come?" "Love to" smiled Cait Sith. "Oh, joyous occasion" wailed Mog sarcastically. "I fear that the enjoyment caused by sitting here, drinking pointless alcoholic substances and smoking on potentially lethal herbs whilst teenagers stagger around vomiting all over themselves and each other may be more than enough to kill me." "You're drunk, Mog" spat Cait Sith angrily. Mog hung his head in shame.  
  
"Holy shit…" said Weiner, suddenly. "I can see God." Then he passed out. "Poor, unfortunate fool" sighed Mog. "Like so many others, he has succumbed to the evil will of the herb. Rest easy, my friend." "You're drunk, Mog" spat Cait Sith angrily. Mog hung his head in shame.  
  
Authors Notes.  
  
This chapter is dedicated to Lee, because, like him, its simple, pointless, and probably homosexual.  
  
So, what do you guys think? Is it not the best fic since that fic with Cloud?  
  
Anyway, let me know.  
  
Sorry about that, Lee. 


	2. Chapter 2, or alternatively, the second ...

Saturday 9:25 Costa Del Sol  
  
Later that evening, Cloud and Cait Sith decided it would be a truly momentous occasion to partake in the first annual drunken stare out competition. Mog decided to philosophise to the unconscious Weiner, and Christian decided to eat his own head, succeeded, died, and was never mentioned again.  
  
Clouds heart beat quickly, painfully in his chest, whilst he gazed into the wild eyes of his opponent. There was a silence, a thick silence that surrounded them, held them in place whilst they partook in this event; this twisted substitute for masculinity. Cait started back, his eyes beginning to water, showing the first signs of pain in this gruelling event. "Are we not to stardust?" wailed Mog. Weiner didn't listen. He was sleeping.  
  
The silence grew and engorged Cloud, and his eyes began to burn, burning with the very fires of hell, drying, as his heart beat faster and his lungs fluttered in his chest. Cait started back, his mouth in something of a smile, but his eyes a picture of discontent, red ringed, burning. "What is it to be alive?" wailed Mog. Weiner didn't listen. He was sleeping.  
  
Clouds right eye began to twitch; his vision blurred, disorientated; his eye lids growing heavy, yet lighter and almost holy as the prospect of bringing them down and ending his pain grew in stature to the point of such desire that Cloud had never felt before. Cait Sith continued to smile, but seemed to be weeping. His pupils where drying, widening and closing, gyrating, and yellowish liquids began to descend from his tear glands. "Are we simply machines?" wailed Mog. Weiner didn't listen. He was sleeping.  
  
Cloud finally succumbed, and closed his eyes, before passing out and sleeping for eighteen hours. Cait Sith began a victory dance, before he too passed out. Mog however, continued to philosophise, deep into the night…  
  
  
  
Authors notes.  
  
This chapter is dedicated to my main man Steve. He's got an account on here, and you scrotums should check him out. His name is "Kill The First Born" and all he's got posted is this weird kinda lemon thing, but he's working on an epic FF9 fic, so there.  
  
I wrote this chapter because I didn't want you sorry bastards to forget me, and because I'm kind of stuck on the actual party chapter.  
  
Steve, you rock!!! 


	3. Chapter 3, or alternatively, the third c...

Sunday Morning 10:28 Costa Del Sol  
  
  
  
The next morning, Cloud sat in his lounge barking orders.  
  
"Wiener, clean the kitchen! Mog, clean the bathroom! Cait Sith, stop eating that plastic plant!"  
  
Cait looked forward dejectedly.  
  
"Well fine, take away my one true pleasure in life."  
  
Soon, the four of them where whirling through the house, dusting shelves, vacuuming floors and shooting trespassers. Soon the house was positively gleaming, and the four stood back and smiled at their handiwork.  
  
"Well" said Cloud. "That should impress the ladies."  
  
"Yeah… … … … it… … … should… … …" said Wiener shyly.  
  
"We gotta work on your being too shy" said Cloud, thoughtfully. "Tell you what, whilst Cait Sith and Mog make the food, I'm going to take you down to the beach, and teach you how to communicate under extreme pressure."  
  
"I'm not making everyone's food" Mog protested.  
  
"I'm not going to the beach with you" Wiener protested.  
  
"I'm not gay" Cait Sith protested.  
  
"I never said you were…" Cloud said, confused. "Anyway, do me this favour and I won't tell Cid it was you who crashed the Highwind into the Gold Saucer."  
  
Cait looked very guilty indeed, and grudgingly agreed.  
  
"So then Wiener, are we ready to go?" asked Cloud smiling.  
  
"I… … … … guess so… … …" Wiener agreed.  
  
Cloud and Wiener walked out into the warm sunshine of the Costa Del Sol, and smiled.  
  
"First" smiled Cloud. "You're going to buy us both an Ice Cream."  
  
"How will that help?" asked Weiner.  
  
"Just by me an Ice Cream" said Cloud viscously, his right eye beginning to twitch as he did so.  
  
"Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah" hissed Weiner, shying away.  
  
  
  
"So Mog, how are those sandwiches doing?" asked Cait Sith, inexplicably turning into a walrus.  
  
"Oh, there fine" smiled Mog, adding a sprinkle of salt to the Tuna Sandwiches.  
  
"Help me with this casserole" smiled Cait, having now reverted to his usual self.  
  
"I've been meaning to ask…" said Mog suddenly. "How come I'm alive? I mean aren't I just a soft toy, so how is it I move and walk, and think more clearly and precisely than everyone else on this entire maggot-ridden planet?"  
  
Cait shrugged.  
  
"And how is it that you still exist? I mean, why does Reeve still control you when there is absolutely no reason to?"  
  
Cait shrugged.  
  
"And why is Aeris smoking a reef? I thought she was dead."  
  
Cait shrugged. Aeris smiled.  
  
Then, suddenly, because the laws of physics had been so completely and utterly violated to such an extent that it became impossible for the world to still exist, the entire universe collapsed upon itself, then spasmed into life, and took shape over the next twelve billion years until yet again, Cait and Mog were stood in the kitchen, making sandwiches and suddenly metamorphasising into fat lumps of animal hide, when suddenly, a very strange feeling told Mog to shut up.  
  
  
  
  
  
"Now then" smiled Cloud, licking the last fragments of melted ice cream from around his lips. "You're going to the Bar Del Sol, and you're going to ask the Barmaid to the Gathering tonight."  
  
"I… … … … am… … ?" said Weiner sheepishly.  
  
"Sure" said Cloud. "You're sure to win her over with your boyish good looks!"  
  
"O… … Okay… …" Weiner agreed.  
  
Cloud and Weiner walked inside the bar, and where instantly hit by the burning scent of vomit.  
  
Johnny was sat at the bar looking glum, twelve different coloured bottles of liquid on the bar in front of him.  
  
"Listen, Weiner" said Cloud. "I'm gonna go invite Johnny over. So while I'm gone, why don't you… you know…"  
  
Weiner turned and gazed at the Barmaid, and swelling violin music began. Weiner eyes turned heart shaped, but everyone else's turned towards the machine, to see a man in a leotard smiling widely.  
  
"Get him!" yelled someone, and what happened next was too gory for words…  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Eventually, the ruckus died down, the music screeched to a halt, and Bubby inexplicably exploded, splattering blood all over the room.  
  
Except that didn't really happen. Everyone just thought it did, because they where drunk on Absinth.  
  
"… … … … … … some fish are blue…" ventured Weiner, as he found himself before the waitress.  
  
(Oh my God that was stupid) Weiner thought.  
  
"Yes… indeed they are" replied the waitress.  
  
(What an idiot) the Waitress thought.  
  
"… … … … I like dice…" said Weiner, in the most failed attempt at rectifying a stupid comment ever made.  
  
(Oh hell, what am I saying?) Weiner thought.  
  
"Yes… they are… nice"  
  
(What the hell is this guys problem?) the waitress thought.  
  
"… … … … … my mother once sneezed…" said Weiner, wishing deep down that his heart would just stop.  
  
"I'll bet that was exciting…" said the waitress, wishing deep down that Weiner's heart would just stop.  
  
"… … … I have to go now" said Weiner, already planning his suicide.  
  
"…Okay…" said the waitress, already planning his murder.  
  
  
  
Authors Notes.  
  
This chapter is dedicated to Mike. Mike fella, I'd have been kicked of the course months ago but for your help. And you, you sorry bastard, you sat there, reading this. YOU should check out Mike's work. He's called "The Worms Revenge" and he kicks ass.  
  
So, what did you capitalist pukes make of this chapter? I thought it was one of the best ever!!! I didn't want to post it so early after chapter two, but I'm fucking stumped on the Party, still, and I gotta write a whole lot of other chapters in between. 


	4. Chapter 4, or alternatively, the fourth ...

Sunday Morning 12:58 Costa Del Sol  
  
  
  
"So then" smiled Mog, looking at the beautiful feast he had just helped prepare. "Should we do the responsible thing and select a reasonable soundtrack for tonight's proceedings?"  
  
"Yeah, sure thing" smiled Cait Sith. "I think we should have some more aggressive music, to get everyone dancing, from "Faith No More" "Boards Of Canada" and "December." And some loud, yet relaxing and uplifting music, from the likes of "Boy hits car" "thelostprophets" "Antifreeze" and of course several tracks by the mighty "Deftones." Then, of course, when everyone is truly drunk, we can play some driving punk by the likes of "Amen" early "Manics" "Bad Religion" and maybe even "the offspring" to be genuinely sarcastic."  
  
"I'm sorry" replied Mog. "I didn't hear that. I was stuck in the oven. Can you please repeat it?"  
  
"Yeah, sure thing" smiled Cait Sith. "I think we should have some more aggressive music, to get everyone dancing, from "Faith No More" "Boards Of Canada" and "December." And some loud, yet relaxing and uplifting music, from the likes of "Boy hits car" "thelostprophets" "Rival Schools" "Antifreeze" and of course several tracks by the mighty "Deftones." Then, of course, when everyone is truly drunk, we can play some driving punk by the likes of "Amen" early "Manics" "Bad Religion" and maybe even "the offspring" to be genuinely sarcastic."  
  
"That's what I thought you said" smiled Mog. "I agree, but I think we should throw in some "Strokes" and of course, this "Beethoven" compilation CD I received last week, "Drive By Mother Fuckers."  
  
Mog and Cait shook, and walked upstairs to gather the various albums, and at the same time, Cloud and Weiner returned.  
  
"I'm so depressed" wailed Weiner. "I haven't felt this miserable since my mother choked to death on a sex-aid."  
  
"Don't worry about it" smiled Cloud. "I managed to invite Johnny and his girl over tonight. He was depressed as hell, though. Can't see why."  
  
Suddenly, Mog and Cait Sith descended, holding a massive amount of albums.  
  
"What have you got there?" said Cloud, confused.  
  
"The playlist" smiled Cait Sith.  
  
" We have some more aggressive music, to get everyone dancing, from "Faith No More" "Boards Of Canada" and "December." And some loud, yet relaxing and uplifting music, from the likes of "Boy hits car" "thelostprophets" "Antifreeze" and of course several tracks by the mighty "Deftones." Then, of course, when everyone is truly drunk, we can play some driving punk by the likes of "Amen" early "Manics" "Bad Religion" and maybe even "the offspring" to be genuinely sarcastic."  
  
"And the 'Strokes'" chided Mog.  
  
"Could you repeat that?" smiled Cloud, embarrassed. "I was stuck in the oven."  
  
"Yeah, sure thing" smiled Cait Sith. "I think we should have some more aggressive music, to get everyone dancing, from "Faith No More" "Boards Of Canada" and "December." And some loud, yet relaxing and uplifting music, from the likes of "Boy hits car" "thelostprophets" "Antifreeze" and of course several tracks by the mighty "Deftones." Then, of course, when everyone si truly drunk, we can play some driving punk by the likes of "Amen" early "Manics" "Bad Religion" and maybe even "the offspring" to be genuinely sarcastic."  
  
"And the 'Strokes'" chided Mog.  
  
"That's what I thought you said" smiled Cloud, casually.  
  
They went and sat in the lounge, and smiled.  
  
"I think I outta invite Red round. That bastard needs to have a bit more fun."  
  
"Fun" smiled Cait Sith. "What could be more fun than "listening to more aggressive music from "Faith No More" "Boards Of Canada" and "December "Boy hits car" "thelostprophets" "Antifreeze "Deftones." "Amen" early "Manics" "Bad Religion" and even "the offspring" to be genuinely sarcastic."  
  
"Sorry, but could you repeat that?" smiled Weiner. "I was stuck in the oven."  
  
"I said "What could be more fun than "listening to more aggressive music from "Faith No More" "Boards Of Canada" and "December "Boy hits car" "thelostprophets" "Antifreeze "Deftones." "Amen" early "Manics" "Bad Religion" and even "the offspring" to be genuinely sarcastic.""  
  
"That's what I thought you said" smiled Weiner weakly.  
  
"So, who's coming to the party, that we know of" asked Mog, flashing a smile.  
  
"Cloud, Weiner, Cait Sith, Mog, Johnny, the girlfriend of Johnny, Bubby and the sixteen strong crew, and myself" smiled Boris, looking rather conspicuous.  
  
"What was that?" chided Mog. "Sorry, I was stuck in the oven."  
  
"Cloud, Weiner, Cait Sith, Mog, Johnny, the girlfriend of Johnny, Bubby and the sixteen strong crew, and myself" said Boris, who suddenly burst into flames, died, and was only mentioned once ever again.  
  
"Well, we can cross Boris of the list" laughed Cloud. Everyone laughed and was happy.  
  
"Well" said Cloud. "I'm gonna go ring Nanaki. Weiner, why don't you go down to the beach, and invite back some ladies?"  
  
"… … … … why me?"  
  
"Because that shy, insecure thing will be a real turn on" laughed Cloud. Everyone laughed and was happy.  
  
"Now get going."  
  
  
  
Authors Notes.  
  
This chapter is dedicated to Jen. Even though you never even read my work (you bitch) I'm dedicating this chapter to you. Coz I'm nice like that.  
  
Every band I listed here fucking rocks, and you should listen to them all or face the consequences!!!  
  
I know this chapter kind of sucked, but you try doing better, you fucks! 


	5. Chapter 5, or alternatively, the fifth c...

Cait and Mog where sat on the window ledge at the Villa Cloud, looking out of the window and taking ease.  
  
"Are we ever going to have the party?" asked Mog forlornly.  
  
"No we're fucking not" wailed Cait. "You fucking sick fucking fuck."  
  
  
  
Authors Notes.  
  
This chapter is dedicated to Michael. You know who you are, you magnificent bastard.  
  
Wasn't this chapter better than anything you ever read ever?  
  
Thought so. 


	6. Chapter 6, or alternatively, the sixth c...

Cloud and Weiner where walking towards the beach, when a great darkness fell over the Costa Del Sol. Five approached from the shadows, looks of dominance, of anger embedded on their faces, there eyes glowing with the very fires of hell. Upon seeing Cloud, the first one spoke.  
  
"HARRY POTTER IS THE BST BOOK EVER, AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE HIM I'LL KILL UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU" he said, proving how ridiculously retarded Harry Potter fans are. He smiled, under his semen stained NY cap. His T-Shirt was yellow, a thousand sizes too small. It rested on the ridge of his hairy, beer belly, which protruded in front of him. He wore grey flannel trousers and sandals.  
  
The second one stepped forward, and spoke.  
  
"Harry Potter has brought joy to millions, despite being an poorly written piece of shit which almost exactly replicates Lord Of The Rings, how can that be bad?"  
  
This one was a girl, wearing a blood splattered Toga, and rusty chainsaw resting in her hands.  
  
The third stepped forward, and said with a regal tone.  
  
"U SUK U FREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
His eyes widened as he said this, and he smiled a toothless smile, to reveal his mouth was filled with the rotting flesh of a diseased cow. He wore the freshly peeled skin of a Priest, and a belt made from a headless Boa Constrictor.  
  
The fourth stepped forward and said simply "HP RULZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
He wore nothing, but his body was so badly mutilated you could only tell his gender from his voice.  
  
Finally, the last stepped forward.  
  
"I don't like HP. I'm here for the free booze."  
  
These proved to be her last words, because, like the vermin they are, the HP fans turned on the her. Her head was neatly ripped off, her intestines ripped out through the hole in her neck, and she was quickly consumed. The remaining four turned to face cloud, and laughed.  
  
"Who are they?" asked innocent, carefree Weiner. "Necrophelliacs? Rapists? Child Molesters? Canadians? Those annoying bastards from Sum 41? People that stick frogs in blenders? Jews? Butchers? Suicide bombers? Americans?"  
  
Cloud grimaced.  
  
"No, my friend. They are a thousand times worse than all those evils put together…"  
  
"It… it can't be…" whimpered Weiner. "God himself wiped that evil from the world…"  
  
"Yes… but… they're back… this is the word of the Devil himself" nodded Cloud. "There is no doubt in my mind… they're members of the Harry Potter fan club."  
  
So sickening was this statement that Abdul, the happy-go-lucky green grocer who stood across the street whimpered, and promptly exploded, splattering blood and guts over the street, and over his wheel chair bound, neck braced brother, Mustachio.  
  
Seeing this, Mustachio vomited, his steaming stomach juices filled the brace, and he promptly drowned.  
  
"Cloud" said Weiner grimly. "We must rid the world of this evil forever."  
  
"I agree" said Cloud, and he leapt to the attack.  
  
"HARRY POTTER IS THE BST BOOK EVER, AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE HIM I'LL KILL UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU" screamed the first one, leaping forward. He drew his weapon, which was simply a gerbil tied to a string, and yelled a war cry.  
  
He was, however, promptly annihilated by a viscous attack courtesy of Cloud's immense weapon.  
  
The eviscerated remains of he fan splatted to the floor, and was instantly set upon by a hungry vulture.  
  
"Harry Potter has brought joy to millions, despite being an poorly written piece of shit which almost exactly replicates Lord Of The Rings, how can that be bad?" said the second, before she too was eviscerated.  
  
The two remaining fans stayed rooted to the spot, hesitant, before the third leapt forward, howling an angered cry of "U SUK U FREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
He was, however, neatly disposed of, when Weiner leapt forward and cut him to fuck with a chainsaw. The bleeding, disembowelled portions of the third fan fell to the floor, joining the vast puddle of remains splattered on the cobbled path. Needless to say, blood and guts splatted everywhere, and over everyone, and then the floor was covered in blood and guts and Cloud said "yay" but Weiner said "blarg."  
  
The final fan leapt forward, but before he could even say "HP RULZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" his head was taken off by Weiners' chainsaw. Needless to say, blood and guts splatted everywhere, and over everyone, and then the floor was covered in blood and guts and Cloud said "yay" but Weiner said "blarg."  
  
But then…  
  
From the depths of hell…  
  
Satan rose…  
  
Using the power of supreme evil…  
  
He caused the puddle of gore…  
  
To ignite…  
  
From the midst of the flame a single creature rose, and bellowed.  
  
It stood at over twelve feet tall. Its body was covered in thick, unwashed hair. Its eyes glowed with evil. It had seven arms, each holding a dreadful weapon of supreme destructive power. It had a long snake like tail, which ingested the body of Mustachio, and smiled supremely.  
  
It only, however, had one leg, and was struggling like fuck to remain balanced.  
  
Cloud laughed, Weiner laughed, the creature bellowed.  
  
Cloud laughed, Weiner laughed, the creature bellowed.  
  
Cloud laughed, Weiner laughed, the creature bellowed.  
  
Cloud laughed, Weiner laughed, the creature bellowed.  
  
Then the creature hopped forwards, his movements causing the whole town to rumble and shake.  
  
"It's no good," said Weiner, grimly. "We're gonna have to fight it."  
  
Cloud nodded his approval, smoked a reef, and ran into battle.  
  
The battle proved to be indubitably short, as Cloud summoned Knights Of The Round, and wasted the evil for good.  
  
  
  
Authors Notes.  
  
This chapter is dedicated to Gemma. Hang in there, kid.  
  
Please please please note, this chapter is not meant to offend anyone. I don't dislike any one that Weiner dislikes, except for the obvious ones. I like American's. My favorite bands are American, J.D. Salinger was American, Harry Potter was NOT American. All of which are good things.  
  
I also like Canada… except I hat SUM 41. I HATE THEM I HATE THEM I HATE THEM!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Jews also rock. Look at Seinfeld.  
  
And as for Necrophelliacs … at least they're putting the dead to good use.  
  
Hehehe… 


End file.
